A Letter To Mom On Mothers Day

Dear Mom

Mom sorry you felt the need to abandon me and leave me alone in this cruel loveless world. I forgive you..love you and need you. It's hard not knowing if your dead or alive. It's hard knowing you may not want to be found.

Mom I remember your suffering and although I tried to not be like you I see you in me everyday.

The hardest part is when I have issues in life, your not there to answer the phone and I have to turn to google instead, some random stranger or facebook for help.

Because of you, I don't trust, I don't commit and I don't know how long I will make it feeling this alone in the world. You made the mistake of giving birth to me with a man that didn't love you and because if that I also don't have a dad to turn to either.

I do owe you nine months rent for you carrying me in your womb. I'm supposed to be thankful for the life you gave me and I do try to be, but what is life if you have to live it not loved?

Mom, the only man I loved, didn't love me back, in high school I was afraid to tell him my feelings for him because I was afraid of being rejected. I finally told him many years later and he did reject me after all lol.

Mom, it hurt you weren't there for my high school graduation that really hurt and I felt anger.

I need to tell you how painful it was to love my high school crush. It turned out he only saw me as a piece of meat. I let go of him, and now I'm learning to find happiness alone in who I am.

I'm learning to let go of people that treat me like shit instead of sticking around trying to earn their love or getting in relationships with people that want to use me.

I thought love was supposed to be hard. I never liked the guys that treated me good. I'm afraid it's too late. I'm past my prime and am getting old and fat. I've learned that life is more that just finding romantic love to try and replace the love I lost when you left me.

Life is about trying to rise above. Not being a victim or a statistic. My life is about achieving goals and learning how to love myself. It's about maintaining healthy boundaries with others.

I know we all die alone anyways, so I am determined to do the best I can to survive and do so happily. The road feels uncertain without you. I feel out of place. My desire for survival seems to make me stand out and it's embarrassing. Isn't that the very nature of man to try to survive?

Mom, uncle Bembe said I would commit suicide, I almost thought I found someone to love to keep me alive when I met my high school crush, but I couldn't stay, loving him was destroying my sense of self worth. I left him now I'm alone. I love my dog, but I don't know that I can ever love a human again romantically the pain of loss is something I don't want to go through again it was like loosing you too. If I love it will have to be different next time at the minimum.

I like to believe you can survive in life without romantic love. I know your burden mom, because it became mine. I know you only wanted to be loved and grandma didn't love you and grandpa was an alcoholic and couldn't love you too and you like me see love from a man was a pipe dream and all the fairy tales pulled the wool over our eyes.

Mom, if your reading this from earth or in heaven, just join me and stop looking for love from men, family and strangers, it's just not there for us. You can give yourself all the love you need and you didn't deserve to be hurt the way your sisters mom and men hurt you. You didn't know it then, but I'm telling you now. You are strong enough to stand alone in who you are. You are strong enough to stand alone in your dreams goals and aspirations. You deserved to be loved and cherished the way I wish I had the chance to love and cherish you.


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