Suicide Was Not The Answer For Me
I was fwb with a guy I really thought I liked and day dreamed about for years. My high school crush. If only I just stay a little longer he will somehow be every thing I had dreamed for, I hoped.
On my way home one day from visiting him for the weekend I felt this emptiness and felt the need to end my life. I didn't tell him, but what I did do is decide I had to find a way to let go and learn to live with myself alone.
You can't change someone's mind on how they feel about you. My life and my choices are my responsibility. I have to love and care about me.
I keep living and it's not easy being this alone in the world, (not that I am alone but alone in not having someone I connect with deeply), but there is help out there for me. I have gone out and gotten it. I also see there are people who feel what I feel too.
I stoped blaming myself for how I loved and forgave myself for betraying my value as a person for the hope and ideation of romantic love with this person and my pattern of continuing to seek out and love people who are unavailable.
I also love him enough to let go of him to find love he needs in his life for himself , it's okay to love someone and do nothing with your love.
My loss of hope is no reason for me to die when there is a lot of good I can do for myself, evolve and change and make a difference in the world.
Once all my hope and reason for living was to be loved romantically was gone....I let that hope go. I found a new reason to wake up every morning.
I gave my life back to Jesus and I don't live for money, romantic love, or materialistic things, but for loving myself, bettering myself and finding my cause to make the world around me including myself better even if it is small and unnoticeable.